Say hello to my leeeetle friends

All ten million of them.

We did our first Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) today. Mr. Malaprop had been disappointed by the p0rn selection at the clinic where he did the semen analysis some months ago, so we went out last night to get him a good magazine. While we were perusing the stands, we talked about how great it would be if they had a DVD player, and then he could watch a movie.

As it turned out, this clinic knew what they were doing in the p0rn department – they had a DVD player and DVDs to go with it. Mr. Malaprop was pleased, but said it wasn’t anything to write home about. I reminded him that he really shouldn’t be writing home about p0rn anyway.

When the sperm was all washed and ready to go, the lab tech handed it to me inside a carefully wrapped syringe, with strict instructions not to expose it to direct sunlight or allow it to get too hot or too cold. Of course it was a bright, 95 degree day here in Southern California, but I tucked the small package into my armpit and hopped in the car. “To the Batcave, Albert!” I commanded, pointing forward. And off we went to my gynecologist.

The actual sperm-insertion was fairly uneventful. Mr. Malaprop’s numbers were a little low, but the motility was high, which the doctor said made up for the numbers. I had some nasty cramps, but they passed quickly, and I lay on the table feeling somehow let down. “Was that it?”

“Yup, you just stay there for three or four minutes and then you’re good to go.”

The doctor left the room. I stared at the ceiling, and tried to gauge three or four minutes without the aid of a watch or my cell phone. I became distracted. I pictured those ten million sperm, all crowded into my uterus, gazing about, pulling out a map and arguing about how to get to the fallopian tubes. I should have provided a disco ball and a DJ, I thought. Or at least pizza and beer. I began to shimmy my shoulders and quietly sang “Party up in my uterus! Party up in my uterus!” until it was time to get dressed.

One of the nurses gave me a funny look on my way out.  I can’t imagine why.



  1. lna4va said,

    May 10, 2007 at 12:39 pm

    Just what I needed to read today. Thanks for the humor! I am getting ready for the “party in my uterus” soon too. Good Luck with everything, Lna

  2. tamaraengert said,

    May 15, 2007 at 5:45 pm

    It is not completely clear to me if this is your first IUI, but anyway, a lot of good is sent your way!
    It takes long, isn’t it? When you finally get the result of this IUI 🙂
    cheerz!!!! 🙂

  3. msmalaprop said,

    May 15, 2007 at 10:05 pm

    Tamaraengert – it was our first IUI, yes. Hopefully it will succeed, and be our last as well. Thanks for the good wishes!

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