Excellent timing, uterus!

Got my period yesterday afternoon.  A nice big “HA!” from the reproductive system.

Sound and fury signifying nothing

I didn’t get my period.

When I went in for my appointment this morning, I fully expected the study coordinator to shake her head sadly and show me the door. But that didn’t happen. Instead, she did an ultrasound, and decided that my uterine lining was thin enough that they could start the IVF medication regimen today.

The nurse taught me how to use the injectable medication and the high-tech pen with the little clicky dial. Hearing the words “needle” and “stomach” in close proximity had led me to expect something fairly horrific, but in fact these needles are tiny, resembling nothing so much as a mosquito’s proboscis.

From the office, I went to the pharmacy, where I was given an ENORMOUS BAG full of folic acid, pre-natal vitamins, steroids, progesterone supplements (in two different dosages), antibiotics (one set for Mr. Malaprop, one for me), pain medication I can’t take (“I’m allergic to codeine!” “This isn’t codeine.” “No, but it’s closely related to codeine, and it will make me throw up. Trust me, I’ve been through this before.” “Well, take it home anyway, just in case you change your mind.” Sigh.), Valium, and a sharps container. And probably some other stuff too, but I can’t be expected to remember everything.

After all that panic, I’m feeling pretty damn crampy. I don’t know if it’s the drugs I was given this morning, or just my period deciding that now all the fuss is over, it might as well show up for the party.

oh help

so they delayed my period so we’d be safe to go to hawaii. and now it’s not coming back. and i’m not pregnant. and i will be eliminated from this clinical trial if it doesn’t come back today or tomorrow. which means i would not get the free ivf cycle. we can’t afford ivf.

i’m taking blue cohosh, false unicorn root, dong quai, and drinking a tea made of parsley, ginger, and basil. i have also put some sprigs of parsley inside my vagina as a pessary. all of these things are supposed to be emmenagogues – herbs to bring on a delayed period – but nothing’s happening.

i’m so fucking scared and sad.

Edit: Let’s just add to this the news that my best friend’s mother, who has been like a second mother to me since I was nine years old, is going into hospice care for her  metastasized breast cancer.

Fuck.

Call me Revelations.

My normal luteal phase is 13 days. It’s pretty faithful, though occasionally I only get 12 days.

Yesterday was day 14.

I was pretty useless at work all day, as you might imagine. I spent a couple of hours poking around the internet, looking at baby names and baby slings and pregnancy discussion boards. I spent another hour humming and looking out the window. I made a mental list of who to tell, in what order. I reminded myself not to get my hopes up, as they would almost certainly be dashed.

And dashed they were, this morning, as the waters of my body turned to blood and poured out in positively biblical fashion. Mr. Malaprop cried a little. I didn’t. Sometimes I feel like I’m past crying.

Tomorrow I go in for the first part of the screening for the clinical trial. I want the IVF to work. I want it a lot. If it doesn’t, I’ll try a few more IUIs. Then, as I told Mr. Malaprop, I will be done with this. And I will want to talk about adoption.

Edited to add: Boy am I feeling sorry for myself right now. This is a pity party the likes of which have not been seen in, oh, I guess about a month. My superego is watching from a safe distance, shaking its head in disgust.